To All the Proud Assholes Out There

I’ve been meaning to write this blog post for a very long time. This means I’ve thought about it a lot, changed my mind on wording multiple times, and neglected to make any notes whatsoever. Therefore, this blog post, much like whatever electronic device you are reading it on, will probably be outdated by the end of the week. Sorry. Now’s your chance to turn back, but you’re already here, might as well stay. Right? Right.

 

I want to start with Denis Leary. He’s a stand up comedian or a firefighter on a TV show or Gwen Stacy’s dad, depending on how far back your memory stretches. Back when he did stand up stuff (He still might, honestly, I haven’t kept up) his big schtick was that he is an asshole. He had a little song about it and everything. It was hilarious and for your pleasure I’ll embed it right here:

 

Funny, right? Cause he’s an asshole, and he doesn’t give a shit and that’s something we should all admire. Right? Wrong. Maybe it’s just me, but I think self-proclaimed assholes/bitches have a different definition of the word than I do. People are proud of a negative. “I’m an asshole, I don’t take shit from nobody.” “I may be a bitch, but I get it done.” are both phrases that I’ve seen and heard often.

 

I totally understand the not taking shit and getting things done aspect of all that, but and here comes the big, glaring butt in the room, being an asshole, makes you kind of an asshole. Don’t get me wrong, to assert yourself often means that you will piss off the person you are asserting yourself to. No one likes being told they’re wrong, especially by a person in power. (Especially, especially by a person in power of the opposite sex)  Who doesn’t think ‘Fuck that guy’ when their boss gives them a menial task?

 

But, I’ve found that, in general, the people who are the proudest of asshole/bitch status don’t know how to turn that ‘assertiveness’ off. If you are in a board meeting and someone tries to call you out to make you look bad? Sure, break that person in half. Verbally, of course. Violence is only the solution occasionally. Also, that might be a bad example, I’ve never actually been to a board meeting of any variety. I’m just going off my extensive knowledge base gained from commercials and movies.

 

Anyway, I’m saying there are plenty of situations where it’s okay to not back down and in that one situation someone will probably refer to you as an asshole/bitch. Shit happens, dirt off your shoulders and keep going forward. Haters gonna hate and whatnot.

 

Now, let’s say you are in line at McDonalds. The place is packed, as usual, and while you’re patiently waiting your turn, someone storms in from the side door. He’s just been through the drive-thru, and has taken it as a personal fucking insult that the kid in the back making minimum wage forgot to leave the onions off his double cheeseburger with light ketchup, one slice of cheese and precisely 17 grams of pickle. A vein throbs from his neck as he talks down to the cashier at the front of the store who not only didn’t make his food, the cashier didn’t’ even take the dude’s order.

 

I’d like to think we can all agree that this guy is an asshole. I’d also like to think that when said asshole goes home and tells a friend about how he didn’t take any shit from that punk kid with the visor and peach fuzz mustache that his friend tells him he’s a dickwad. In all honesty, I know that won’t happen. His friend will congratulate on successfully being an asshole. Drive-thru guy will continue his reign of assholery ad nauseam while all the employees at McDonalds talk about the douche from the drive-thru.

 

So you see, my friends, being an asshole is not cool. It’s not something to be proud of. It’s not something to boast about. It’s not something you should be ashamed of either, but why start on the wrong foot? Why not start on a good non-asshole foot, and then let the meter dip into asshole territory when necessary? Think about it, if everyone starts off being an asshole, where does that put us? This is my call for world peace and an end to the assholeness of everybody. Or at least, store the asshole-itudes for when absolutely fucking necessary, like politics or religion or sports teams.

 

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One thought on “To All the Proud Assholes Out There

  1. I feel the same way. If I hear someone say “Well, I’m an asshole. So if you don’t like me I don’t care.” I immediately think “Yeah, a lot of people hate you. Don’t they? And I will soon too”.

    I’m all for be-yourself and all that, but to completely not care what anyone thinks is sociopathic.

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